Waves

I wrote something about 18 months ago, where I said that I'm not angry that I got rheumatoid arthritis.  I may have lied.  Or else, what I said was true at the time, but isn't true now.

The last couple of weeks have been unsettled and unsettling, both at work and on a personal level.  Whether it is due to that, or something else, my wrists have been flaring all over the place for the last couple of weeks.  Gloves, ibuprofen and co-codamol have only had a limited effect. 

Maybe I'm not angry at all, maybe I'm just fed up.  Fed up with being in pain, fed of not being able to do everyday stuff like opening doors or making a cup of tea.  I'm British; making a cup of tea is a social necessity!  I'm fed up with taking drugs which don't seem to be having an effect, fed up of wondering if I'm going to be in pain of some sort for the rest of my life.  I'm fed up of being snappy and irritable in the office.  

(The exception to this is my colleague who couldn't understand why it hurt me when he grabbed a piece of paper from me.  I quietly explained that I had arthritis; he continued babbling on at me, about how it couldn't have hurt, unless I got a paper cut.  My manager explained it to him, in a louder voice; he was prattling away about the imaginary paper cut and how I probably liked it.  He got told, in no uncertain terms, that he'd been told twice and if he wasn't going to pay attention, he doesn't get a third time). 

Most of all, I'm fed up of the waves of self-pity I've been flooded with over the last fortnight.  I'm fed up of stewing over the the things that were and weren't said when I was first diagnosed.  I am so, so bored of feeling sorry for myself.  Whilst it's quite true to say that I'm in pain and it's not fair - repeating this ad nauseam isn't going to serve any practical purpose.  What's happened has happened.  I thought I was past all this bull; seems I'm not.

So, in place of wallowing I've decided to start blogging again.  I have all sorts of all sorts of thoughts swimming around about RA, about the way that doctors interact with patients, about me and the way I've reacted to things.  Maybe writing them down will give them some kind of order and me some kind of life raft amongst the waves.